meditations
I'm really bad at keeping friends -- I've made a lot of really good friends throughout my life but I always end up abandoning them on accident.
My best friend in high school I stopped talking to -- I forget why. We had a lot in common but I think both of us were stupid and bad at communicating and I was kind of a dick. I don't think I ever told them that I always thought they were really pretty. Sometimes when I'm back in my hometown I fantasize about running into them again and healing but I don't think that will ever happen.
Even though its painful to look back on I'm happier we met rather than never at all. I will always remember going down to the lake and eating ice cream and also going to the fair even though someone pulled a gun out and we had to leave early 😭
We played animal crossing new leaf together -- I think you were one of the only people I ever played that with -- and joinrd all sorts of social media together. It was like having a partner in crime online. I miss that and I know it won't happen again.
At the beginning of the pandemic I also ended up joining a discord (sorry) server that someone I barely knew invited me to and it was like, the best thing ever. It had just enough people to always be active but not so many that it got overwhelming. We did a lot of fun things together like making picrews together or listening to music... whatever we could find on the web.
C and Y were my favorite people -- C was a few years older than me but was really cool and I remember really looking up to them. They shared a lot of art with me and I think they ended up shaping my taste today lol They were super into Yoshimoto Nara, Serani Poji, Kaiba, FLCL... they had an eye for that sweet, slightly offbeat beauty. They ended up leaving before me -- we lost contact. But they haunt me whenever I think about the art which makes me truly happy; I think I would have ended up loving stuff like Serani Poji and Nara anyways (especially since I'm an art student now lol) but they've become so special because they're tinted forever.
Y I remember surprisingly little about, but I really enjoyed talking to them -- we had the same humor. I still follow them on insta but I'm never sure if it's appropriate to reach out! We weren't on bad terms or anything, I'm just overcome with bittersweetness when I think about those people. It was really all my fault -- I was so depressed I stopped talking to everyone on my phone for months and just ended up drifting away.
When I started treating shitposting on whisper like a full time job, I ended up joining another server (sorry) specifically for evangelion meme spammers which ended up being surprisingly cozy as well! We also shared music with each other all the time and did whatever free online shit we could find together (as well as raiding whisper groups en masse). I follow a lot of those people on insta too, but again, it just feels awkward to reach out after such a long time
What I miss is cozy social (mostly online) space -- I miss being able to log on and explore the internet with people. It's so lonely to crawl around on my own. I keep trying to start groupchats and new servers up, but it's never the same since I've gone mad with isolation. They never work if you do it intentionally and obsessively; cozy spaces are something that you stumble upon. Maybe someday I'll come across one of those warm little pockets of energy again -- or maybe I'm stuck out in the cold, with lot's of friends, sure, but no security, no sense of being part of a greater love.
It's a bit sinful, but I miss the early pandemic when it felt like everyone was experimenting and trying to build warmth on the internet (animal crossing, servers, ect...). Of course, this inevitably was capitalized on by silicon vallet and other tech bros, which dispelled those warm, tight knit groups. Love is so rare, again...